This week was another roller coaster week. I think it was the biggest growing experience I've had thus far on my mission. It always seems to take a lot of discouragement and struggle for me to experience growth. I guess its true that there must be opposition in all things. You have to sink to the depths of despair to experience utter joy.
I hit rock bottom this week. On Thursday we went tracting for a couple hours and were rejected by every single person. Then we got to this house that I will never forget. We met a guy named Bob. We started getting to know him and before we knew it, he had started talking about Joseph Smith. He told us that Joseph was not a prophet. He has never made a prophecy that has come true and he was a complete fraud and was a false prophet. We tried to counter his claims but he was not having any of that. Then I just bore my testimony of the Book of Mormon and said that I knew it was true and therefore, that Joseph Smith was a prophet.
Then he said, "That's what I hate about missionaries. They can't answer to any of the issues there are with Joseph Smith. They just tell me they "know" hes a prophet. Its pretty pathetic."
I didn't know what the heck to say to that. My stomach was in knots and I felt my eyes filling with tears. We just thanked him for his time and dejectedly walked away. The rest of the day was the worst! I silently pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me know if Joseph Smith really was a false prophet. Of course with my worry-wart personality, I went through the "what ifs". What if Joseph Smith really was a fraud? Then everything I've believed my whole life isn't true! I shouldn't be out serving a mission. I won't be able to go back to BYU. I'll have to give up everything my entire life has been based on. What am I going to do?
I really thought I would have to come home from my mission. I planned on calling my mission president and telling him I couldn't do this anymore.
That night I prayed with all the energy I had. I asked Heavenly Father to tell me if Joseph was a prophet or not. I was expecting some miraculous feeling to wash over me. We hear all the time stories where this happens. People pray and then they are overcome with the spirit, but this did not happen. I didn't really feel anything besides worry.
The next morning I was still feeling uneasy and unsure about my testimony. I decided that before I did anything irrational I needed to study it out a little bit. So I began studying about false prophets in the bible. My favorite passage is in Matthew. He talks about how you can know if someone is a false prophet. He says that "by their fruits ye shall know them". Basically he says no good person can harvest evil fruit and no evil person can harvest good fruit. When you look at the fruit of Joseph Smith's labor, you see a lot of good. By living the gospel that Joseph Smith restored, I have been extremely happy and have felt at peace. Its when doubts creep in that I feel uneasy. Either Joseph Smith was a complete fraud (evil) or was true prophet (good). What resulted from his labor is good fruit. How could he possibly be a false prophet?
After reading this, I felt much more at peace. Why would I abandon everything I've believed my whole life just because some random guy told me he didn't believe it?
However, I still wanted to increase my knowledge of Joseph Smith so I decided I would read the Doctrine and Covenants (a book of revelations and commandments given to Joseph Smith) all the way through throughout the next couple weeks. I started reading a couple days ago and I can say that my testimony of Joseph Smith has grown immeasurably since doing so. Although Joseph Smith was not a perfect man, (who is?) I know he was called of God to be His prophet and I know that we have living prophets and apostles today.
I know Heavenly Father gives us challenges and adversity for a reason. He doesn't test us above that which we can handle. I needed Bob to challenge my testimony so that I could grow stronger in my conviction of what I know to be true.
I am finally learning how Heavenly Father answers my prayers! Before my mission, I often felt like my prayers would go unanswered. My problem was not that Heavenly Father wasn't answering but that I wasn't seeking for or recognizing those answers. I often expected a "warm fuzzy feeling" to wash over me. This is how the Holy Ghost is often described but I think a lot of times we forget how many other ways the Spirit can speak to us. Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I am more of a factual, logical person than a touchy-feely person. He knows that if I were to just get a warm feeling in response to a prayer, I would probably doubt that it really meant anything. The way that I receive revelation is through studying for my answers and having more of a "enlightening of the mind" experience than a "burning of the bosom experience.
I am so thankful for the power of prayer. I'm so thankful to be here in Idaho learning these lessons that will benefit me for the rest of my life.
Needless to say, I'm not coming home early :)
I love you all and I love my Heavenly Father. He is so patient with me and all my doubts and worries.
Until next time,
Sister Park
P.S. More good news: We have a baptism tomorrow! Taysen (12 year old kid) is getting baptized and Sister Latu and I couldn't be happier. Taysen's parents are both less active members of the church so we are hoping that Taysen's decision will bring their whole family back to church.
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